Religion and Evangelion: A User's Guide
by Master Elora Dannan
Summary: When a few of my friends admitted they didn't understand the Old Testament religious symbolism in NGE, this is how I explained it to them. Yes, I'm insane. If you don't think humor and religion go together, you probably don't want to read this. Further explanation on my profile if you need it, and no offense meant to anyone.


Religion and Evangelion: A User's Guide

In the beginning, there was God. God had a garden. But God, like most people, found gardening really boring. So God took some dirt from his garden and made Man and Woman. He named them Adam and Lilith.

God said: "You are Man and Woman. You have interconnecting parts. Use them and entertain me."

Adam turned to Lilith and said: "We shall have sex."

Lilith said: "I will not lie below."

Adam said: "I am Man. I will lie on top."

Lilith said: "Fuck that."

And Lilith left the garden. She had lots of sexytimes with the demons that lived outside of it, and birthed many demon children that populated the world. These children were called Lilium.

And Adam became the world's first divorcee.

God said: "Huh. That didn't work out quite like I had planned. Let us try this again. Since you seem to be somewhat crap at this, I will make it easier for you."

And God took a rib from Adam, and made another Woman. He named her Eve. Because Eve was made from Man, she was not equal to him, and God bequeathed her with all the brains of a Barbie.

Adam turned to Eve and said: "We shall have sex."

Eve said: "Okay!"

And they had sex. And Adam lied on top.

There were two trees in the garden: the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

God said: "You may eat all you want from the Tree of Life, and live forever, but you may not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It is not that fucking difficult, so don't screw it up."

But unfortunately for Eve, everything was that fucking difficult. One day a snake approached her.

The snake said: "The fruit from this tree is much better than the fruit from that tree. Why don't you try some?"

Eve said: "Okay!"

And Eve ate of the fruit. Eve took the fruit to Adam, and Adam ate of the fruit. And Adam and Eve looked at each other.

Adam said: "Holy crap. We're naked."

And Adam and Eve tried to cover up with fig leaves. And then they wondered many profound things, like "Why is the sky blue?" and "Why is grass green?" and "Is there anything around here larger than a fig leaf?"

God came down and said: "Oh my Self. I gave you one rule and you fucked it up. I've created dumbasses. GTFO of my garden."

And Adam and Eve left the garden. And they had more sex, because there wasn't really anything else to do. And they gave birth to many children, and those children had sex. With each other. Because there wasn't really anybody else around. And then they died, because they no longer ate from the Tree of Life. And so on and so forth until the internet was invented 5,000 years later and people found new hobbies, like porn.

So the children of Lilith and the children of Adam and Eve lived together on Earth, and as the children of a broken family, they sort of hated each other.

One day a man named Gendo Ikari figured out that he and the rest of his kind were the children of Lilith, not the children of Adam and Eve. Apparently people had been getting that wrong for years.

Gendo said: "Gee, it sure was much nicer on Earth when Mommy was married to Adam, and we all lived forever and didn't have to think about anything. I'm going to fix their relationship and return everyone to their original state of being!"

And Gendo went looking for his Mother, so he could capture her and make her live in his Man-Cave. Lilith was not thrilled with this, and in the process shit exploded.

And Gendo built a company whose logo was a fig leaf with half of it cut away, expressing his wish to be nude.

Gendo said: "Our step-brothers and sisters are probably going to try and stop me. I'll need someone to get rid of them while I complete the project. Where can I find someone dumb enough to be used to kill them? I know!"

And Gendo went down to where he locked up his Mother. Taking a page out of God's Book, he used pieces of her and created many Eves.

Gendo said: "I need you to kill your children for me."

EVA 00 said: "01100110Okay10001010011."

And Gendo used more pieces of Lilith and pieces of his dead wife and made Rei, because getting his Mother to reconcile with her ex-husband needed to involve sexytimes, willing or not.

And Gendo worked on his Instrumentality Project while Angels came and tried to merge with Adam and blow him up. It didn't work all that well. Mostly because Gendo hadn't corrected them about who was actually in the Man-Cave.

And Gendo found Adam who, from time and lack of sex, now resembled something usually seen inside a Chinese seafood restaurant.

And Gendo merged with Adam, and turned to Rei.

Gendo/Adam said: "It is done. We are Man and Woman. We shall have sex."

Rei/Lilith said: "GTFO of my boob. Five thousand years and the Karma Sutra later, and you still haven't learned how to appreciate the full-frontal cowgirl. This is why I divorced you, you jackass. My children blindfolded, crucified, and locked me in that smelly basement for fifteen years for this? Fuck it: I'm destroying the world."

And Lilith began turning everyone into orange sludge and sucking them into her womb; which, admittedly, was sort of what Gendo was going for in the first place but a little bit farther back than he planned.

And Gendo was sent to Hammerspace, where he came face-to-face with Yui and Kaoru.

Gendo said: "Last minute regretful bullshit."

Kaoru said: "I totally banged your son, btw."

Yui said: "YOU FAIL."

And Yui bit Gendo's head off, a la Ozzie Osbourne.

And Lilith returned everyone to her womb. But because she was a little sadistic, she left Shinji and Asuka alone together on a beach.

Lilith said: "You are Man and Woman. You have interconnecting parts. Use them and entertain me."

Asuka turned to Shinji.

Asuka said: "We shall have sex. I am now the last woman in the world. You no longer have a choice in the matter. So there."

Shinji said: "Fuck that. I would sooner cut off my own dick than tap that. And btw, I can still see that giant Rei head floating out there. The rest of her should be there too. You can go fuck a tree. I will start swimming."

And God cracked open the tequila.

God said: "I should have stuck with roses."

**The End**


End file.
